Column: Fourth of July is the greatest holiday

By Josh Eiserike

Published: July 3, 2008

There's a Jewish holiday about every three days, which you'd think would be a fan-tastic way to grow up. Not really. I had to explain to several teachers—even the Jewish ones—that yes, Shavout was a real holiday, I'd need to miss school, here's a note from my mom to prove it.

Serendipitously, this got me out of seventh grade frog dissection, but that's the only good thing to come of it. Even my less-observantly-raised Jewish friends didn't believe these were real holidays and didn't want to hear my complaining when I was playing class-work catch-up. Never mind that my "days off" were spent bored to tears in a stuffy audito-rium listening to off-key Hebrew prayers. (You Catholics don't know how good you have it with an hour-long Mass). Depending on the holiday there might be some decent food afterward, no food at all, or worse, Passover food. School was better.

All of which is precisely why I love the Fourth of July. There's zero responsibility, which come to think of it, is a pretty good metaphor for America.

I love the Fourth of July for the same reason I love Thanksgiving: I don't have to go to synagogue the next day (or, as an adult, I don't get a phone call from my mom trying to guilt me into a more observant lifestyle).

Strike that. The Fourth of July is the best holiday on the American calendar.

The Fourth of July is better than New Year's because there's no shame or anxiety over not getting a midnight kiss, no major hangover the next morning.

The Fourth of July is better than Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Father's Day COMBINED because there's significant historic meaning. You won't feel bad about not having a date or guilty about not visiting Grandma.

The Fourth of July is better than Thanksgiving because, again, there's no family obligation and frankly, Thanksgiving television has been pretty awful after Fox stopped airing the "Bart Breaks Lisa's Centerpiece" episode 10 or so years ago. Thanksgiving is a close second (tangible historic context, no religious obligation), but the Fourth of July is in the summer, which means barbecues, swimming pools and fireflies. Thanksgiving is in November, which thanks to global warming might soon mean the same thing.

The Fourth of July is better than Halloween because there's nothing creepy about an adult going out to watch fireworks. There's plenty creepy when an adult goes trick-or-treating.

The Fourth of July is better than Labor Day and Memorial Day because people know there's more to the holiday than a half-off mattress sale.

The Fourth of July, although similar in spirit to President's Day and Martin Luther King Day, is better than both because there's a bigger party.

The Fourth of July is better than any religious holiday because it doesn't exclude any Americans. OK, America isn't a perfect country (see: treatment of Indians, Japanese internment, slavery), but to paraphrase Paul McCartney, it's getting better all the time. There's nothing exclusionary about the day—even for foreigners. Go downtown tomorrow and I guarantee you'll meet a bunch of foreign tourists having just as much fun as everyone else.

Christmas is the biggest religious holiday in America and guess what? The Fourth of July is better. There's no guilt, no stress, no bad gifts and best of all, no fruitcake. Easter, on the other hand, is kind of a downer.

That's the other great thing about the Fourth of July. It doesn't have to be a drinking holiday. New Year's is pretty much synonymous with plastered, Fourth of July could go either way.

This year the Fourth of July kicks off a three-day weekend. The weather these past couple days have been glorious. I'll be barbecuing and hopefully swimming with friends before heading downtown to see the fireworks. Since it's early, a Friday night and we're downtown anyway… this could be the greatest Fourth of July ever.

However you choose to spend your Fourth, movies, barbecues, fireworks, none of the above or all of the above, it's a day without obligation, a day to honor our independence (if you choose to), a day to spend with friends (only if you want) or any other day. And that's the beauty and innate Americaness of it.

I'll close with a bad joke of mine, that I'm sure I'll repeat tomorrow to my friends' eye rolling on the National Mall:

"Here we are in a city designed by a Frenchman, sitting under an Egyptian obelisk, over looking a Greek temple and Japanese trees, watching a Chinese invention explode in the sky. Happy birthday, America."

Staff writer Josh Eiserike can be reached at 703-878-8072.