Dear Nancy: How do you talk to children about grief?

Nancy Johnson/Columnist
Published: August 10, 2008

When I was in third grade my grandmother died. That was my first experience with death.

What I remember the most was feeling so sad for my dad because it was his mom that had passed away. Until then, I had never seen my dad cry.

Then, just like that, we didn't talk about my grandmother any more. I wanted to, but I didn't want to make my dad more sad.

Death can be a difficult topic for parents to discuss with children.

We all experience grief. As adults, we can recognize it and understand what is happening; children often cannot.

Children experience grief differently depending on their developmental stage in life and the type of loss. It is important for us as parents to recognize the normal childhood responses to death as well as the signs that a child may be having difficulty coping with grief.

A preschooler may express grief through bedwetting, thumb sucking, clinging to adults or temper tantrums. They may cry excessively or regress. As adults we should answer their questions honestly and allow them to talk about their feelings. We may need to help them share their feelings and worries. It is important to provide simple routines for them so they will feel secure. Play with the child, give them affection and nurturing. Children will express their painful emotions through play, art work and other creative outlets.

Elementary-age children may exhibit school and learning problems when dealing with a loss. They may become preoccupied with the loss. They may daydream and have trouble paying attention. They can also regress and have developmental delays. Children this age might have sleeping problems such as nightmares. They can also feel angry and want to fight. We should keep routines simple and have a well-structured environment that is predictable and consistent. Help the child express their wants, needs and feelings with words, not by acting out. Encourage them to talk to you and let you know when they are worried or upset. Let their teachers know what they are going through.

Pre-teens and adolescents express grief by withdrawing from adults. They may feel angry, aggressive and depressed. They can suffer physical symptoms such as headaches, stomachaches, sleeping, and eating disorders. They may also lack concentration and attention. We should accept they will experience mood swings and physical symptoms. Be patient, loving, and empathetic. Help them to recognize their painful feelings and find positive outlets for them to express them.

Children having serious problems dealing with grief may show one or more of the following signs:

» Depression and withdrawal from daily activitie

» Trouble sleeping, eating or being alone

» Acting younger than their age for an extended period of time

» Talking about joining the dead perso

» A drop in school performance or interest.

If any of these symptoms persist, professional help may be needed.

Nancy Johnson ran an in-home child-care business for more than 20 years. Send your questions to .