And we thought extra security was a hassle

John Merli
Published: August 6, 2008

When the term “nickel and dime you to death” was first coined, it probably came from the incredulous lips of an airline passenger.

You’ve no doubt heard of paying $25 for a second check-in bag on some airlines, and what could be worse than paying for something we used to get for nothing? Paying double for it, which is exactly
what Delta did last week when it upped its second-bag fee to $50. (That’s probably worth more than the contents of some of those bags.)

Now Jet Blue, not to be outdone in the creative finances department, will charge customers 7$ apiece for using blankets and pillows onboard. Thus, ingeniously, the colder it happens to get on their
planes, the more money Jet Blue will make from passengers chilled to the bone and begging to stay warm. And at 35,000 feet, where you gonna go? “Please, lady, my child is cold and sick and needs a
blanket.”

“No money, no blanket! That is our new policy. We did not force you to bring that sickly child on our plane. Come to think of it, we did not force you to have that child at all!” Jet blue is turning into the
airline equivalent of Oliver Twist.

Of course, buying a ticket (paperless as it is) does not actually guarantee you a seat on the plane. Seats? Who needs seats? Some airlines are now charging between $6 and $20 to actually get certain
seats in Coach Class: the lesser amount for aisle and window seats; and $20 to sit in the Exit row, where you get an extra three inches of leg space. So be warned: If you’re naïve enough to pay nothing
extra for your seat beyond the price of a ticket, you run the real risk of getting stuck in one of those dreaded middle seats — and almost always between a sumo wrestler and the largest defensive
lineman to ever play in the NFL. People have gotten squished down into the lower depths of middle seats and never found. Ever. (At least not alive.)

Still, as petty as these new pay-as-you-go policies may seem (the uppity airlines call them “a la carte services,” so we can again blame the French), they don’t do wonders for airport security, either, and
that’s serious. Think about it. Just imagine standing in line at the ticket counter for an hour behind two whining kids (whose parents apparently had never used the word “no”) and then being told to come
up with more cash for a second suitcase. Then imagine being reminded that there are no meals on the flight (remember airline meals?) but we could feel free to spend more of our own money to buy a
meal and bring it onboard. (Wonder when they’ll start adding a “carry on” fee for bringing our own food? I’m not kidding.)

Then imagine when you get through those security snake lines and board the plane, you feel like you’re in a meat locker and are told to first fork over more cash to receive a pillow and blanket. Imagine at
this point, even before the plane leaves the ground, how many passengers are in a real good mood. Then compare this to how many passengers would really prefer to jump the first person who gets in
their face again with the next “a la carte service” request. “Why yes, we have our usual selection of magazines, madam. That will be $3. Restrooms? Either end of the plane, sir. And be sure you have $2
in coins handy, if you catch my drift.”

I’m still waiting for the ultimate fee, which can’t be too far away, given the current state of the economy. “Welcome to Dulles International Airport. We know you have many choices in flying these days, so
we thank you for selecting Mediocre Airlines. Please have your $5 bill handy as we deplane today. If you do not have $5 for disembarkment, please remain in your seat until your more considerate fellow
passengers have deplaned, and await the usual police escort to the main terminal. In handcuffs. In front of all your friends. Have a pleasant day.”

John Merli has been a Prince William County resident since 1984, and a Potomac News columnist since 1985. He has worked in the media for more than 30 years. E-mail him at .