For swift boats in ’08, rough seas

John Merli
Published: September 18, 2008

Two weeks ago, I had just finished watching the last episodes of the final season of “Northern Exposure.” It was a worthy task that took more than a year of regular Netflix rentals to see all six seasons,
and the closing credits of the final episode brought an end to “living” in a small town in Alaska.

Or so I thought.

Sarah Palin changed all that, of course. Life is never as simple as it seems (the TV series, for example, was really filmed in Washington state) and already in Hollywood I’m sure they’re throwing names
around for who will play the governor in the movie yet to come. (Tina Fey or Holly Hunter gets my vote.) Alaska, which probably signifies North America’s “last frontier” of romance, intrigue and the
unknown to many people, is front-and-center in the news — and no doubt will continue to be at least through the elections.

So now with a confident, smiling, gun-toting Alaska governor on one arm, and those verbally-armed swift-boaters on the other, we can now look forward to one final, uproarious, tough, cynical, flawed, and
utterly surreal march to Nov. 4 (a date that

really can’t come soon enough).

How well the governor holds up her half of the ticket (not literally) is yet to be seen, but so far she is emerging as a quick study who can be verbally nimble in a pinch. (Can you imagine what George
Bush’s reaction might have been to Charlie Gibson question if the president himself was asked about the Bush Doctrine? “The what? I, yuh, whoa, hmmm. Doctrine? Say what now?”)

The swift-boaters coming to a TV screen near you are a different breed of animal altogether (and not in a good Alaskan way). These well-funded neocon groups that hide behind otherwise inspiring
monikers like “Vets for Freedom” and “America First” are pretty much out to “field-dress” the Obama-Biden ticket, and facts rarely ever get in the way of their intellectually dishonest messages. They
learned quickly during the John Kerry campaign four years ago that a lot of gullible people will believe virtually anything they hear on TV if someone does not immediately bop them on the head with a
tennis racket and shout, “No, no, not true. Don’t believe it!”).

These guys give honest conservatives a bad name, and no one should assume that John McCain or his campaign automatically endorses a swift-boat TV spot. (To be honest, that would have been easier
to say a few weeks ago before the McCain campaign threw up some really dreadful and dishonest messages, such as kindergarten sex education and lip-sticked pigs, that brought dishonor on McCain
himself who “approved this message,” and that’s no small feat for a war hero.)

So how do we cope with this onslaught of swift-boat sewage that local TV stations are pretty much powerless to restrict? My first suggestion would be to locate as many old TV sets as possible (on their
last legs but that still work), and line them up in your basement. As a swift-boat message comes on the air, simply smash one of the TV screens in with a combat boot or other heavy footwear. Each new
swift-boat message warrants its own swift kick until all the old TV sets are gone. (Warning: Professional screen-kickers are used in this commercial. Do not try this at home.)

Sadly, over the next eight weeks, many viewers will not readily distinguish the cynical and deceitful swift-boat messages wrapped in so-called patriotism from those of the two official campaigns (the ones
that include a candidate’s “approval” using his or her own voice). This is where the waters get muddied (not as unusual occurrence for real swift-boaters) as these extreme fringe groups try to steal the
election. But in truth, I find that shouting at my TV a lot seems to help. And there is always the “mute” button.

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