Here’s to Joe the Plumber
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Scott Hollifield
Published: October 31, 2008
With the historic presidential campaign nearly complete, let us take a moment to salute the Average Joes who stood up to be counted and were reduced to catchy first names and occupations in a
cynical effort to win votes with a folksy tone.
I know it was tough out there on the campaign trail trying to connect with people who don’t have seven (eight? nine?) houses, so the best way to get down here with us, the unwashed and easily swayed,
was to slap on a label that made us feel important or at least noticed from the jet at 30,000 feet above fly-over states or through the tinted windows of the Straight Talk Express.
My label? I’m just plain, ol’ Scott the Smart ***.
So, here’s to all those who made a name-check appearance in a candidate’s stump speech on that campaign trail, a trail of terror that seemed to go on forever and ever and ever and ever like this
sentence and eventually made me want to rip my ears off with a pair of pliers so I could hear no more of it.
I may leave out a few people, but I tip my hat (which was recently foreclosed upon), to:
Joe the Plumber.
Joe the Plumber (yes, he deserves to be mentioned twice based on sheer overkill).
Phil the Farmer.
Jimmy the Greek.
Sammy the Bull.
Frank the Tank.
Kermit the Frog.
Stan the Man.
Sam the Shafted.
Krusty the Clown.
Reggie the Transvestite Airline Pilot.
Dora the Explorer.
Attila the Hun.
Zorak the Alien (sent here on a recon mission to see if Earth is suitable to inhabit by the war-like people of the planet Orlaz-9, who will employ their shrink-rays to subdue us and force us to do their
bidding).
Fritz the Cat.
Billy the Kid.
T-Bone the Dude (who set Ray-Ray’s pants on fire during 5th-period study hall and got pepper-sprayed by the resource officer).
Alexander the Great.
Alexander the Just OK.
Alexander the Absolutely Awful.
Mott the Hoople.
Vlad the Impaler.
Greg the Guy (who lived in my dorm and successfully flushed 12 tennis balls down the toilet).
Eric the Red.
Red (the) Barber.
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake.
Gus the Field Goal Kicking Mule.
Abdullah the Butcher (the greatest professional wrestler to ever routinely stick a fork in someone’s head).
Jack the Ripper.
Vinnie the Torch.
Tony the Tiger.
Billy the Bum (“who lived by the thumb and sang of the hobo’s delight,” if there are any John Prine fans out there).
Bob the Builder.
Conan the Destroyer.
Randy the Rebuilder.
... I could go on, but my brain hurts and I realize this has become tedious for most readers(e-mail me more of ‘em at ).
Thank you, Joe the Plumber and all of your name/occupation cohorts. Good luck with your future endorsement deals. You deserve them for your endurance of this campaign.
Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .
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Posted by ( QuestionAuthority ) on November 01, 2008 at 11:11 am
Yeah, they talk a good game, but Republican leadership in the 21st century has not been good for Joe.
Republicans inherited a budget surplus then quickly ran up the largest debt in US history, larger than all other administrations from George Washington to Bill Clinton combined. Joe and his children have to pay that back…with interest.
Republicans sent GI Joe to war “on the cheap” without the proper equipment and training. They stop-lossed GI Joe who often watched his family fall apart and his budget fall into bankruptcy. They denied GI Joe a pay raise recently and when Jim Webb introduced a modern GI bill, they voted against it. They did put magnetic yellow ribbons on their SUV’s though.
Republicans committed torture in Joe’s name. They set up a string of black-site prisons, many in former communist countries so they could torture. They discussed specific acts of torture in the White House.
Republicans have been steadily taking away Joe’s constitutionally guaranteed rights (not privileges). With no evidence at all, Joe can be declared an enemy combatant, sent overseas to be tortured, and never have to let Joe see a judge, a lawyer, a Red Cross representative or his family ever again. They have broken laws to spy on Joe and restricted his free speech rights.
When Joe was drowning in New Orleans…when his grandmother died on national TV for lack of medical attention the Republicans couldn’t be bothered. When asked why, they lied and said they weren’t aware of the problem.
The list goes on and on.
Republicans have spent their time in power running our country into the ground. And now they want more.
Fortunately Americans have finally had enough! Common-sense republicans are joining independents and voting for the party that has a proven record for caring about Joe and his family.
This is the year we take our country back! Vote for Obama, Warner and Connolly.
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