Hey, kids, just say no to mooning

Scott Hollifield
Published: June 7, 2008

The following is a public service announcement.

Hi kids. Your great-grandma cut this out of the newspaper — that’s the thing people read before the Internet — and sent it to you through the Postal Service — that’s the thing people used before e-mail —because she wants me, a regionally known media personality, to warn you about the terrible dangers of mooning.

My name is Scott. You may remember me from such previous public service announcements as “Cable Theft: Is Wrestlemania Really Worth It?” and “Say No To Crack: A Parent’s Guide to Baggy
Pants.”

Today, I’m talking, or rather writing — that’s the thing people did before text messaging — about something you may have thought about doing or have already done: Showing your backside for the amusement and/or horror of others.

Harmless prank? Nothing could be further from the truth.

Consider this story from The Associated Press — that’s the thing people used to turn to for news before simply believing any cockamamie conspiracy theory or missing kid alert that arrives in their inboxes.

A 21-year-old Dutch man is recovering from severe injuries to his backside after a tragic mooning accident. He and a friend dropped their pants “as a joke,” according to the AP story, and scampered down a street in Utrecht, Netherlands (presumably in wooden shoes on their way to a leaky dike). The man decided to push his own netherlands against a window of a restaurant for the amusement and/or horror of others. The window shattered and the man suffered “deep wounds to his derriere,” said the story, which was sent to me by a reader who was apparently Googling the word “derriere.”

That’s right, kids. It’s all fun and games until someone suffers deep wounds to his derriere.

Needless to say, this young man’s future is a dim one.

“Lars, let me say that I was extremely impressed by your résumé and interview skills, and I believe I am looking at the next junior executive of the First National Bank of the Netherlands. Just one more question. Have you ever pressed your bare backside firmly against the window of restaurant, only to have it shatter and inflict deep wounds to your derriere?”

As mooning mania moves from the Netherlands to the States, some of you young people will face intense peer pressure. Here’s a typical scenario and suggestions on how to respond:

“Hello, I am Hans. I am an exchange student from the Netherlands.”

“Hello, Hans. I am Billy. Welcome to America. I like your shoes.”

“They are wooden Nikes. See the swoosh carved in the side? My father bought them. He is a windmill technician back home.”

“That is very nice. Would you like to play some baseball? It is the great American pastime.”

“Perhaps later. Right now, I would like to engage in some mooning and firmly press my backside against the window of a restaurant for the amusement and/or horror of others. Would you like to join me?”

“No, Hans. My Nana sent me something out of what she called a newspaper that said if I put my backside against the window of a restaurant, it could break and I could suffer deep wounds to my derriere.”

“This newspaper, it is filled with lies! Lies! I will knock you down and kick you with my wooden Nikes.”

“Ouch! Stop, you’re leaving splinters!”

See kids? Billy may have been stomped unmercifully by a dastardly Dutchman, but his backside remained wound-free. And that’s what matters.

Mooning is not cool. It is not hip. It is not the schnizzle. It is not the bee’s knees. It’s something 21-year-old Dutch morons do so I’ll have something to write about in the newspaper that your great-grandma reads. This has been a public service announcement. Now, where’s my check?

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .