Return my bootey, matey

Scott Hollifield
Published: May 23, 2008

Thank goodness divers off the Florida Keys found my 385-year-old gold toothpick and earwax spoon.

I’ve been looking for that sucker everywhere.

According to the Associated Press, the source I turn to for news about strange 17th century grooming tools dredged from the bottom of the ocean, a diver for Blue Water Ventures found the tiny oral/aural cleaning device 22 feet below the surface 40 miles east of Key West while searching the wreck of the Spanish galleon Santa Margarita. The ship sank in a vicious hurricane back in 1622, a storm that
John McCain said he recalls all too well.

The story said the tiny device, weighing around an ounce, has a point on one end for tooth poking and a spoon on the other for ear scooping. Apparently, sailors of the 17th century would not even consider an oceanic voyage without a gold toothpick and earwax spoon within easy reach.

“Did ye pack enough provisions for the long and arduous trip, Ferdinand?”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

“And barrels of rum to tide us over until our voyage comes to a successful conclusion?”

“Aye, aye, sir.”

“And what of me gold toothpick and earwax spoon?”

“Shiver me timbers, captain! I left it on the table at our bon voyage seafood buffet at the Blue Mermaid Bar and Grill. Perhaps ye can make do with this tiny wooden stick for tooth poking and this soft, cottony swab for ear scooping.”

“Ferdinand, let me introduce ye to something we like to call the plank.”

I chuckled when I perused that AP story, amused that unenlightened 17th century man would use a single unsanitary device to clean both his teeth and his ears — until I read the tiny gold toothpick and earwax spoon was valued at more than $100,000.

Then, I suddenly remembered I lost my own gold toothpick and earwax spoon a couple of summers ago while Jet Skiing in water 22 feet deep 40 miles east of Key West.

Coincidence? No, the treasure hunters obviously found my gold toothpick and earwax spoon and, according to the code of the sea, are obligated to return it — or its cash value equivalent — to me immediately. Failure to do so will result in a hefty fine and/or a severe keelhauling, whatever that is.

While on the surface it may seem I am trying to run an outrageous scam and claim a valuable object that in no way belongs to me, those currently in possession of my gold toothpick and earwax spoon would do well to refer to the Aug. 21, 2006, edition of the Key West Independent Bugle classified section: “Lost — one gold toothpick and earwax spoon. If found, call Scott.”

I acquired it in fourth grade, trading a pair of nunchucks to Pedro “Petey” Sanchez, whose great-great-great-great-grandfather ran a gold toothpick and earwax spoon shop in a seaport town. Petey went on to a lucrative career as an extra in Jackie Chan movies while I kept my teeth and ears stylishly free of debris for decades.

Then, suddenly, it was gone.

“Honey, have you seen my gold toothpick and earwax spoon? I’m feeling all chunky and partially deaf.”

“Did you look in the drawer where you keep your silver toenail clipper and tongue depressor?”

“Yes. It’s not there.”

“Where’s the last place you had it?”

“In 22 feet of water 40 miles off Key West.”

Again, thank goodness the divers found my missing valuable artifact. I am sure they will abide by the code of the sea and return it — or its cash value equivalent — to me immediately. And if they later
find the silver bullion and gold bars I lost during that pleasure cruise last year, I would expect those back as well.

Thanks, matey.

Scott Hollifield is editor/general manager of The McDowell News in Marion, N.C. Contact him at P.O. Box 610, Marion, N.C. 28752 or e-mail .