One day last month, when the Yard Sale Queen came home after work, she had a serious look on her face as our little Yorkie Riley danced for attention at her feet, 

 

The Yard Sale Queen was not to be distracted by the attention-seeking mutt spinning around and jumping up on her leg. The Yard Sale Queen had a message.

 

“Wally, I need a crown,” she blurted out.

 

My mind raced into high gear. Don’t get me wrong, I think the Yard Sale Queen is worthy of a crown. However, I am conjuring up an image of her at yard sales wearing a crown. To me that is a bit pretentious. I mean really, wearing a crown while bickering over the price of an egg-slicer, Christmas decoration or some other item marked for a dollar. 

 

I realize she is great at negotiating prices and realizing that someone conducting a yard sale has unrealistic expectations by over pricing.

 

Then she said, “I need three crowns.”

 

“What?” I asked.

 

Why does she need three crowns? One each for Friday, Saturday and sometimes Sunday yard sales?

 

I know her closets are jammed with clothes – I have a tiny bit of space for my stuff – but where is she going to put these crowns? 

 

Then I started wondering what kind of crown does she want, color or design.

 

I am envisioning the Yard Sale Queen wearing the crown jewels on her head.

 

A recent scan through the LL Bean and Carol Wright catalogs didn’t show any crowns. 

 

Google is my friend, I thought. Google has all the answers even when it doesn’t know all the questions – like politicians. Oops, my apologies about the political editorial comment.

 

Amazon, that behemoth seller of everything, had an answer. There it was: “Santfe 2" Height Silver/Gold Plated Crystal Rhinestone Ruby Full Circle Tiara Crown Bridal Wedding Jewelry Hair Accessories (Gold + black).” 

 

She doesn’t have to know that it is a listed under bridal wedding jewelry. It’s the thought that counts. 

 

And as Drew Carey says, “The Price is Right.”

 

But that is only one possibility. I still need to find two more. I’ll work on that.

 

I don’t see a huge rush since yard sale season is winding down. Cold weather does that. Not to mention the reluctance of shoppers like my Yard Sale Queen and my fake daughter, the YSG’s real daughter, who trek out every Saturday to find that bargain after burning up a half a tank of gas and putting 100 miles on the car. 

 

After my mind stopped racing at warp speed about these crowns and I quit whining, the Yard Sale Queen set me straight.

 

She needed crowns all right but not the kind that fit on her head. 

 

Silly me. I should have realized right away that it was a crown for her head. She hates hats that muss her hair.

 

“Wally, I need crooooooowns,” she dragged out. “For my teeth.”

 

“Oh,” I replied sheepishly.

 

Then I thought, why is she making such a big deal about crowns? I have several. My wonderful dentist, who looks and sometimes acts like Steve Martin, has crowned many of my teeth.

 

Besides, she has dental insurance through her work. So why is she burdening me with all this stress about crowns?

 

Then the hammer dropped.

 

“My insurance only pays half the cost of crowns,” she said, with a puppy dog-look on her face. “How about paying the other half for my birthday and Christmas?”

 

“Sure, we can do that. How many birthdays and Christmases do you want to include in this deal?” I replied.

 

Obviously, that is not the right answer.

 

So for her birthday – I am not mentioning her age because that is not proper when someone reaches Medicare age – and for Christmas crowns will be underneath the tree or in an envelope.

 

I’ll get her whatever she wants since I keep telling her: “It’s all about you, sweetie.”

 

As for me, I am still waiting for my 80-inch HDTV.

 

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